The last few days have really drug (pun intended) by for me. I almost feel as though I am in a time warp. I wanted to write about the meeting with Dee and Dum earlier this week, but work has zapped the creativity out of me. More on work later. For now, here’s the lowdown on the events from Sunday.
What a pleasure to be able to see Bug and Button once again and feel their warm, embracing hugs as they arrived at our house! “We’ve missed you Grammy!” Yes, we’ve missed you, too. More than you may ever know.
Needless to say, (“needless” - what a strange word for me to use – if it was needless then why am I saying it? Feeling a bit like the Mad Hatter, I guess). Having a discussion with Dee and Dum proved trying. It is always trying, but with the children present we could only talk when they were distracted for a few minutes.
Dee and Dum took every opportunity to tell us how intrusive we are in their lives. They are happy living in poverty and filth and neglecting their children. Why do we question their lifestyle? Can’t we just accept them as they are? Acceptance is another strange word. Acceptance usually refers to cases where a person experiences a situation or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit. Not certain we can ever completely give up on the protest part, but we are resigned to the fact that we cannot change it or totally exit the situation. Not with the grandkids welfare at stake.
Dealing with borderline personality disorder has been described as riding a roller coaster with lots of ups and downs. For us, dealing with Dee (and even Dum who enables her behaviors and probably has issues of his own) is more like driving a Toyota. One day you think you are comfortably driving along the freeway in your reliable car getting closer to your desired destination, and then suddenly the accelerator pedal sticks and you are careening out of control trying to apply the brakes to no avail. After Sunday’s discussion we again are driving along comfortably, but we know at any moment the car might be recalled again.
So, when Monday morning arrived, I was feeling pretty good about life until I got to work. Here’s what is zapping me into a funk (as I alluded to earlier). The company that acquired us cannot make a determination whether to proceed forward with the drug I was preparing to launch. Of course, they cannot admit that, so instead they have chosen to put a hold on various activities associated with launch preparation by not responding to requests for resources and not signing work orders. In essence, their unwillingness to take a decision is a decision, but I bet the attorneys don’t see it that way.
This leaves me (and many of my colleagues) with nothing to do all day. That may sound great to some people. Imagine getting paid (and, may I say, paid well) to sit around all day doing nothing. Sorry, but to me it is pure torture. Is it any wonder that drugs cost so much? My work ethic doesn’t allow me to be paid for doing nothing, so I am strongly considering handing in a letter informing them of my intent to Terminate for Good Reason.
According to the severance plan put in place prior to the acquisition I can do so and receive my severance if the Plan Administrator agrees that my duties have been diminished. It is not that I want to be out of a job, but I do want to be able to move on, and the company is dragging this out. If they drag it out long enough, they will not have to provide us with the severance plan the former company set forth. And if I don’t notify them of my intent to Terminate for Good Reason within sixty days of the event (currently at about thirty days if my records are correct), then I am at their mercy.
The situation is pretty tricky. I would be less concerned if the economy was better. There aren’t many pharmaceutical marketing jobs available where I live and I don’t want to relocate (although I may have to). Looks like I will have to reinvent myself at the age of 52 or win the lottery. Not certain which one provides the better odds.
Friday afternoon can not come too soon for me. Not long ago, I would be double- and triple-booked with meetings all day, and barely had time to respond to emails and calls. There is so much to do in preparation for a product launch! Now my days drag on as if the hands on the clock have chewing gum stuck to them. Well that statement clearly dates me! When is the last time you watched a clock with hands? (Well, I do believe the White Rabbit has a pocket watch with hands on it, so maybe it is more applicable than I thought).
Just so you understand how bored I am, let me recap the events thus far today:
• 8:30 AM. Arrive at office. Booted up computer (this, in itself, usually takes 10 minutes – hate the network). Opened up email. There were only six new messages (used to receive over 100 daily) and two were ads. One email was from my boss, saying he was working from home. I responded to him and asked him to send frequent emails so I have something to do. Printed out agenda for my 9:00 AM call.
• 9:00 AM. Dialed into teleconference. The call used to last an hour. Today it ended at 9:20.
• 9:20 AM. Reviewed a slide deck for a presentation for tomorrow.
• 10:00 AM. Sent my comments on necessary changes to presentation to my colleagues. Sent out emails to vendors to request March billing estimates by Friday.
• 10:00 AM - 1:00 PM. Received seven more emails – all were ads. Ate lunch at desk as all other marketing colleagues are out of the office (can you blame them?). Read most recent internet articles on Healthcare Reform. Did that yesterday, too. Still no emails from my boss.
• 1:30 PM. Receive email from colleague about position at a local pharmaceutical company. Nice of him to send, but I won’t be pursuing that opportunity. I had interviewed for a similar position there a few months ago but did not get an offer. Hard to say why but I suspect it had to do with a current employee there. You see she happened to be someone I knew a few years ago. She worked as a vendor for a brand I was on and had an affair with my married boss at the time. I suspect she did not want anyone joining the team that knew that much about her personal life. You’ve probably heard stories about all the crazy things that occur in the pharmaceutical industry. Well, for the most part they are all true.
• 2:00 PM. Went to the bathroom. Ate a piece of chocolate. Yes, stress eating is a problem and chocolate is one of mankind’s greatest stress relievers. Made myself a cup of tea. I really like the Chai Latte.
• 2:15 PM. Reading articles on Medscape. Came across one on the stereotypical portrayals of nurses by Hollywood. Found it interesting as I am a nurse as well as a pharmaceutical marketer. The article whined about how disrespectful Hollywood is to nurses. Really? We are disrespectful to ourselves. We don’t promote our profession. We accept unsafe working conditions and low wages. I was so incensed I actually commented on the article in an associated blog. Got to love blogs!
• 3:00 PM. Just finished my cup of tea. Took an hour to sip it to keep myself occupied. Unfortunately it did get rather cold. Three more emails came in. Only one of the three was related to work. It was about a contract amendment. Fat chance that one will be signed under these circumstances. I responded by saying the VP is out of town (which is true), so a signature cannot be obtained this week. Went back and read further comments on the nursing article. Already over 80 comments posted to the blog. Wish I could get that many readers. Going to go to the bathroom again. That’s the great thing about having a cup of tea. Keeps you occupied with sipping it for a long while and then helps to keep you busy with frequent trips to the bathroom.
• 4:00 PM. No additional emails in the last hour. Not even an ad. Guess I will pack it up for the day and go home. Tomorrow should be better – I actually have two meetings on the calendar!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Lady in Waiting
Well, after various email rages from Dee, she finally agreed to meet with us. Tomorrow is the day. She and Dum will come to our home with the children. You see, even though she insisted she needed to find someone to watch the kids so we could meet, she has been unable to do so. That is because she has no one to turn to but us for support. She has absolutely no friends in the area. Imagine living somewhere for over four years and never establishing a lasting relationship. I feel sorry for her, but without therapy things will never change for her.
When she spoke with her father last night to set up the meeting, it was if nothing had happened. Very characteristic for a BPD. Nothing is predictable or normal.
Don't know how things will go, but at least we will get to see the children. We can tell them we love them and hope we can continue to provide them with some type of normal life.
On the work front, things are going down hill rapidly. Basically, my new "old" management is up to their usual tricks and my projects are mostly on hold. With little hope to keep my current position, I am interviewing for a job that will require me to relocate on the west coast. Good company, good job...just no desire to leave my beloved southern home.
Tomorrow is a big day -- I suspect I will need to write a lot.
When she spoke with her father last night to set up the meeting, it was if nothing had happened. Very characteristic for a BPD. Nothing is predictable or normal.
Don't know how things will go, but at least we will get to see the children. We can tell them we love them and hope we can continue to provide them with some type of normal life.
On the work front, things are going down hill rapidly. Basically, my new "old" management is up to their usual tricks and my projects are mostly on hold. With little hope to keep my current position, I am interviewing for a job that will require me to relocate on the west coast. Good company, good job...just no desire to leave my beloved southern home.
Tomorrow is a big day -- I suspect I will need to write a lot.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Borderline Personality Disorder is Making Me Crazy!
Dear Reader,
I didn’t write yesterday. I needed to keep myself distracted from the situation at hand, so I did some spring gardening. Tidied up the roses (so Alice of me, don’t you think?). That, plus a glass of wine, and watching the stars on the red carpet last evening, served as a suitable outlet.
So, let’s get on with the discussion at hand. Anyone ever dealt with borderline personality disorder? This is the most recent psychiatric diagnosis attached to my stepdaughter. A label she wears proudly (and no longer takes medication for), as she now can say that I have been wrong all these years when I suggested she may be bipolar. I guess she believes the “borderline” portion of the illness implies it is a minor mental disorder. It doesn’t feel minor to those of us that must deal with her.
If you haven’t guessed by now, I am writing this blog anonymously, and no one except my husband even knows about the site. Although, I suspect that any friend or family member who knows me well, will know who AliceB is, I felt the need to keep things anonymous to protect the innocent, and in my stepdaughter’s case, the not so innocent.
For nearly 25 years she has put a strain on my relationship with her father and has never shown any sign of concern for any member of her family, including me. Now, if I were the evil stepmother portrayed in so many fairytales, this would be understandable. However, dear reader, while I have not been the perfect parent, I was a very good stepmom to her. The biggest mistake I made was to believe the various counselors we took her to when they said she had worked through her issues and recognized that her behaviors were inappropriate. I guess I wanted to believe she was just having adjustment issues and not a true mental illness. That was much easier to deal with, so I never took her to a shrink. Had I had the courage to do so, she and all those around her might be in a better place.
Tweedle Dee (as I will refer to her in this blog) will not make a good first impression upon you if you meet her in person. She is grossly overweight, although she had gastric bypass surgery about ten years ago. She managed to lose over 200 pounds of the 400 she weighed, but then gained back half of that as she prefers fast food to cooking. She rarely showers, so she usually smells. Her teeth are rotting and often coated with the remnants of the last chili dog she consumed, because she cannot find her toothbrush in the chaos she calls her apartment. The place is always dirty, and often the halls are impassible with clutter, stacks of dirty dishes with rotting food caked upon them (often with critters scurring about), and piles of clothing strewn across the place, clean and filthy interspersed, all wreaking of urine and sweat.
Now, if you were to speak with Dee on the phone, you might get a totally different picture of what she is like. She can be very charming and funny, and knows all the right things to say to make you believe she is a very normal person and mother to her two adorable children, who I will call Bug and Button. They say kids are very resilient, and these two need to be to deal with Dee and her husband Tweedle Dum. Dum just volunteered to be severed from his job (yes, I said volunteered), because he and Dee decided that getting a sure eight weeks of severance and the subsequent unemployment was too sweet a deal to pass up. Never mind that he has never held a job for more than two or three years, has no degree or certification to qualify him for most positions, and that the unemployment rate is at an all-time high. They can always go on welfare when the unemployment runs out.
I could write so much more, but I want to get to the current crisis we face with them. Last Thursday, Dee sent us an email (or as my husband calls it, a manifesto) of everything we do that is wrong when we have our grandchildren over. Things like take them to a Disney movie. Why how dare we do so without a prior discussion with her. And when the children get home they don’t want do anything for themselves, and it takes poor Dee days to get them straightened out. They ask Dee to make them lunch and dinner at scheduled times and to help them keep their room clean. We spoil them by having scheduled mealtimes for them and helping them make their beds. Did I mention that Bug is 7 and Button is 6?
In the email, she went on to chastise me for expressing concern over their unemployment. She said it allowed them to be free to do whatever they wanted and I was jealous of their freedom and it was none of my business anyway. We frequently catch her in lies, and while she admitted to these lies in the email, she said the lies were necessary to keep us at a distance. Us and the bill collectors.
The saga becomes even richer, in that last weekend they traveled out of state to see Dum's first child from an earlier marriage, a boy he had not had contact with for over eight years. Dee and Dum could not understand why we did not see such a trip as a priority. This boy needed his father! Was it because that child was not a blood relative (gee, last time I looked, neither Bug or Button are related to me by blood, but I love them unconditionally)? All we had tried to express to them was that they were unemployed, Bug needed to see the eye doctor for new glasses, and Button needed to see urologist, and that spending any extra money for a trip at this time might need to wait (afterall, it had waited this long). We also mentioned that the state had been looking for Dum for years about child support for Dum Jr., and they might need to be prepared to fork over a lot of back payments. No, that was not a concern for them. The lawyer who handled the divorce from Dum's first wife two years ago (yes, that means he was married to someone else when Bug and Button were born)said if they asked then they should demand a DNA test to put off the payments for as long as possible. Sure sounds like a good plan. Introduce yourself to a young, insecure boy as his father, and if asked for money then deny paternity. Dum and Dee have such wonderful parenting skills.
So, no they didn't wait. They bought a new car, because their old car couldn't make the trip. That actually made sense, as they truly needed a new car, but maybe not the expensive alarm system they decided to install to make sure no one tried to steal anything from the car.
As it stands, Dee stated she will contact us when she is ready to discuss if we will ever get to see the children again, and we are not to contact her. This is not the first time we have had to deal with her using her children as pawns in a game to try to manipulate and control us. While it hurts us, it hurts the children more. They truly love being with us, and I am certain they cannot understand why their parents are isolating them. For now, we are just waiting.
If you are reading this and have experience in dealing with someone with borderline personality disorder, please give me some advice. Should I just give up and walk away or is there a way we can have a decent relationship despite the illness? And more importantly, what should we do about the grandchildren? Dr. Phil, if you happen to read this, HELP!
I didn’t write yesterday. I needed to keep myself distracted from the situation at hand, so I did some spring gardening. Tidied up the roses (so Alice of me, don’t you think?). That, plus a glass of wine, and watching the stars on the red carpet last evening, served as a suitable outlet.
So, let’s get on with the discussion at hand. Anyone ever dealt with borderline personality disorder? This is the most recent psychiatric diagnosis attached to my stepdaughter. A label she wears proudly (and no longer takes medication for), as she now can say that I have been wrong all these years when I suggested she may be bipolar. I guess she believes the “borderline” portion of the illness implies it is a minor mental disorder. It doesn’t feel minor to those of us that must deal with her.
If you haven’t guessed by now, I am writing this blog anonymously, and no one except my husband even knows about the site. Although, I suspect that any friend or family member who knows me well, will know who AliceB is, I felt the need to keep things anonymous to protect the innocent, and in my stepdaughter’s case, the not so innocent.
For nearly 25 years she has put a strain on my relationship with her father and has never shown any sign of concern for any member of her family, including me. Now, if I were the evil stepmother portrayed in so many fairytales, this would be understandable. However, dear reader, while I have not been the perfect parent, I was a very good stepmom to her. The biggest mistake I made was to believe the various counselors we took her to when they said she had worked through her issues and recognized that her behaviors were inappropriate. I guess I wanted to believe she was just having adjustment issues and not a true mental illness. That was much easier to deal with, so I never took her to a shrink. Had I had the courage to do so, she and all those around her might be in a better place.
Tweedle Dee (as I will refer to her in this blog) will not make a good first impression upon you if you meet her in person. She is grossly overweight, although she had gastric bypass surgery about ten years ago. She managed to lose over 200 pounds of the 400 she weighed, but then gained back half of that as she prefers fast food to cooking. She rarely showers, so she usually smells. Her teeth are rotting and often coated with the remnants of the last chili dog she consumed, because she cannot find her toothbrush in the chaos she calls her apartment. The place is always dirty, and often the halls are impassible with clutter, stacks of dirty dishes with rotting food caked upon them (often with critters scurring about), and piles of clothing strewn across the place, clean and filthy interspersed, all wreaking of urine and sweat.
Now, if you were to speak with Dee on the phone, you might get a totally different picture of what she is like. She can be very charming and funny, and knows all the right things to say to make you believe she is a very normal person and mother to her two adorable children, who I will call Bug and Button. They say kids are very resilient, and these two need to be to deal with Dee and her husband Tweedle Dum. Dum just volunteered to be severed from his job (yes, I said volunteered), because he and Dee decided that getting a sure eight weeks of severance and the subsequent unemployment was too sweet a deal to pass up. Never mind that he has never held a job for more than two or three years, has no degree or certification to qualify him for most positions, and that the unemployment rate is at an all-time high. They can always go on welfare when the unemployment runs out.
I could write so much more, but I want to get to the current crisis we face with them. Last Thursday, Dee sent us an email (or as my husband calls it, a manifesto) of everything we do that is wrong when we have our grandchildren over. Things like take them to a Disney movie. Why how dare we do so without a prior discussion with her. And when the children get home they don’t want do anything for themselves, and it takes poor Dee days to get them straightened out. They ask Dee to make them lunch and dinner at scheduled times and to help them keep their room clean. We spoil them by having scheduled mealtimes for them and helping them make their beds. Did I mention that Bug is 7 and Button is 6?
In the email, she went on to chastise me for expressing concern over their unemployment. She said it allowed them to be free to do whatever they wanted and I was jealous of their freedom and it was none of my business anyway. We frequently catch her in lies, and while she admitted to these lies in the email, she said the lies were necessary to keep us at a distance. Us and the bill collectors.
The saga becomes even richer, in that last weekend they traveled out of state to see Dum's first child from an earlier marriage, a boy he had not had contact with for over eight years. Dee and Dum could not understand why we did not see such a trip as a priority. This boy needed his father! Was it because that child was not a blood relative (gee, last time I looked, neither Bug or Button are related to me by blood, but I love them unconditionally)? All we had tried to express to them was that they were unemployed, Bug needed to see the eye doctor for new glasses, and Button needed to see urologist, and that spending any extra money for a trip at this time might need to wait (afterall, it had waited this long). We also mentioned that the state had been looking for Dum for years about child support for Dum Jr., and they might need to be prepared to fork over a lot of back payments. No, that was not a concern for them. The lawyer who handled the divorce from Dum's first wife two years ago (yes, that means he was married to someone else when Bug and Button were born)said if they asked then they should demand a DNA test to put off the payments for as long as possible. Sure sounds like a good plan. Introduce yourself to a young, insecure boy as his father, and if asked for money then deny paternity. Dum and Dee have such wonderful parenting skills.
So, no they didn't wait. They bought a new car, because their old car couldn't make the trip. That actually made sense, as they truly needed a new car, but maybe not the expensive alarm system they decided to install to make sure no one tried to steal anything from the car.
As it stands, Dee stated she will contact us when she is ready to discuss if we will ever get to see the children again, and we are not to contact her. This is not the first time we have had to deal with her using her children as pawns in a game to try to manipulate and control us. While it hurts us, it hurts the children more. They truly love being with us, and I am certain they cannot understand why their parents are isolating them. For now, we are just waiting.
If you are reading this and have experience in dealing with someone with borderline personality disorder, please give me some advice. Should I just give up and walk away or is there a way we can have a decent relationship despite the illness? And more importantly, what should we do about the grandchildren? Dr. Phil, if you happen to read this, HELP!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Fearful Female Over 50 Stuck in Blunderland
Dear Reader,
Today I begin my first blog. If you would have told me I would be doing this a few years ago, I never would have believed you. That wouldn't be according to my plan. Funny thing about my plan -- God laughed at it. He has other ideas.
And I guess that is why I am blogging. My life is in a state of disarray, and I need someone to talk to about my frustrations. No, dear reader, it is not as if I have no one to talk to about my problems. But, the number of negatives in my life seem to be growing just like Alice did when she took a nibble from the cake that said "Eat me." And frankly, I would rather spend my time with friends talking about positive things. So, I am counting on you, dear reader to be my outlet, or like the characters in Alice in Wonderland, I am apt to go mad. And who knows? As I work through my problems, maybe the lessons I learn can be of help to you as well.
I don't think my problems are unique. It's just there are so many at one time! Maybe you can identify with a some of them. Let's dish about a few right now:
Today I begin my first blog. If you would have told me I would be doing this a few years ago, I never would have believed you. That wouldn't be according to my plan. Funny thing about my plan -- God laughed at it. He has other ideas.
And I guess that is why I am blogging. My life is in a state of disarray, and I need someone to talk to about my frustrations. No, dear reader, it is not as if I have no one to talk to about my problems. But, the number of negatives in my life seem to be growing just like Alice did when she took a nibble from the cake that said "Eat me." And frankly, I would rather spend my time with friends talking about positive things. So, I am counting on you, dear reader to be my outlet, or like the characters in Alice in Wonderland, I am apt to go mad. And who knows? As I work through my problems, maybe the lessons I learn can be of help to you as well.
I don't think my problems are unique. It's just there are so many at one time! Maybe you can identify with a some of them. Let's dish about a few right now:
- My current company was recently acquired by my former company (talk about falling down a rabbit hole), and I may, for the first time in my life, be joining the ranks of the unemployed at an age I once had envisioned would be my retirement age
- Why not just retire, you say? Well, my husband amassed a huge amount of debt without my knowledge to try to keep his business running and I have been trying to pay it off for the last three years (got to love the ability to open endless credit cards -- thanks BOA)
- So your career is going down the tubes and you're in debt up to your ears. Surely, your loving family balances those negatives? Not exactly. I have two wonderful grandchildren who I love dearly, and they feel the same about me. However, my stepdaughter (their mother) is mentally ill (this is not a snarky comment, she really is), and is threatening to cut off all ties with us
- Hm mm...does sound pretty depressing. Anything else? Yes. My faithful dog is very ill and I am likely to lose him in the coming days
So, is it any wonder that I need to blog? Now that you know the issues, I hope you come back to see how things unfold in Blunderland. I promise not to bore you with endless bad analogies to the Lewis Carroll classic with ever post.
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